To my Disappointing Father

Dear Sperm Donor,

I am writing this because I have to finally let go of all this pain and animosity. I figure one day this might find you and you will finally realize how much of a failure you were as a father to me. I don't think I have ever had someone systematically destroy me mentally and emotionally like you do. I've come across a lot of horrid people in my short life on this Earth but you really take the cake on this.

Every time I think of you, all that comes to mind is anger, pain, disappointment and huge array of tragic memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life. You were never there for me. You never gave me your support or a shoulder to lean on. Yes, there might have been a point where you gave me a place to stay for 2 weeks but aside from that you've been nothing but a disappointing. Whether it is during my childhood or my adult years, you have a way of fucking shit up beyond repair.

Congratulations dad, you fucked me up so good that I can't emotionally connect with other men in an emotional and romantic manner. I hate that I've turned so cold and frigid with others as a result of everything that happened. You've robbed me of my childhood and you have robbed me of the future me I could've been instead of this cynical and uncaring person that I am.

I know for certain that I will never go back to you. I don't need you nor will I ever need you. I didn't change my last name so I could have a change for myself. I changed my last name so I could never be connected to you nor that horrible family you come from. You talk badly about your family but yet you are exactly what you complain about. I have fought to be a great student, athlete, daughter, sister and individual and you couldn't even acknowledge any of that. I could never be enough for you. And I never will be. I will never win your affections, love and support. I finally realize I don't need any of that. I've built something for myself. I've built myself up and put myself together time and time again. I don't need you. I absolutely fucking despise you. You're a waste of space for me. You only bring pain into my world. And that is going to end.

You are never gonna see me get engaged, married, have a family, witness the empire that I've built for myself. I'm meant for greatness and you will never be able to take that away from me. Every time you have broken me down I've only gotten stronger. I had you throw the worst words that a daughter could ever hear from their father "You are worth nothing to me". Maybe so, but you are a pathetic old man who will die alone. You will reap what you sow. Right now I don't have anything you need so I'm worthless. When I will make something of myself you will try to come back into my life and by then it will be too late.

I fell far from the tree and I will never leave my future kids like you left me. And they will never have to wonder their worth because unlike you who could never give me the love and care that I needed, I will put them first. I can promise you that I will never turn out like you. You taught me what not to do for your children which is why I will never turn out like you. I graduated from high school and have two college degrees. I am already way off base from the shitty legacy you have left me. I don't abuse drugs or alcohol. And I am standing on my own two feet. You will come back to me one day. they always do. And no amount of supplication will ever make me forget what you have put me through.

Enjoy the life you've chosen for yourself.

Amanda

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